Posted by: rmckinno1 | January 13, 2011

Two Things That Will Eat You Alive:

I am learning something as I go through this trying time in my life: There are two things that will eat you alive.

1)     BITTERNESS/UN-FORGIVENESS: I guess these two are about the same thing, huh? I mean, isn’t it about impossible to be bitter toward someone if you have truly forgiven them? And is it possible to hold un-forgiveness in your heart toward a person and not have bitterness also?

    Regardless of whether they are synonymous or not, this will twist your mind. It will carry you to a dark place where all you do is search for who to blame. “Who is next on the list to get ticked off at?”

     It will cause you to lay there in your bed, rocking back and forth between anger and hurt, and each one simply leads to the other in an endless and vicious cycle that literally tears the fiber of your heart and spirit into pieces – the very thing you really, truly WANT to do to the person(s) you harbor these feelings for.

2)     DEPRESSION:  How many forms of depression are there, anyway? Let me count the ways. I believe I have gone through enough to write a book about. I still am.

     I guess the biggest thing that depression does to me is that it makes me totally lazy. I don’t want to cook, eat, sleep (because of the un-forgiveness/bitterness cycle above), clean my apartment, go out with friends, go to church, pray, study the word. I just want to “vegetate” in front of the TV or play stupid games on the computer. Something that doesn’t require real thinking.

     I am fighting the battle of my life right now. I can’t understand why all this is happening to me. I’ve done everything that I know to do, “supposedly” trusting God with my life. And still this is happening to me. And it looks very, very permanent.

     So the un-forgiveness/bitterness that I fight daily wants to turn its ugly head toward my God. I’ve given into it. I’ve asked “what’s the use of serving a God that will allow this to happen to me?”

     Of course, the end result is that I have not won this battle yet. But I’m fighting. I get knocked down right now more than I stay up. But you know what? I am going to keep getting up over and over again until I’m standing firm again.

     The words to a song I wrote many years ago come to mind:

I won’t lay down – no I won’t give in. I refuse to give myself to a life of sin. I won’t lay down – no I will stand my ground. I will shout it boldly – NO! – I won’t lay down.

MAY IT BE SO, LORD!

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Responses

  1. I think Job can relate to how you feel! I wrote a blog about how Job saw the key in the worship of God no matter what the circumstances were. Go check it out (www.cruisinsusan.com). There are lots of people who have gone through things like this and felt the same way you do now. They will all tell you that there is an “other side” that you’ll get to. You’ve got to talk yourself into doing what you don’t feel like doing – especially in regards to going to church and keeping close to God. Remember the old Christmas special, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” I think it was, where they had the song, “Put one foot in front of the other…” Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and “soon you’ll be walking out the door” of this situation into an “other side”.

    Love ya, bro!
    Sis

    • Thanks Sis,

      I am amazed how quickly I tend to bounce back and forth between the two ways of living. But I must admit that I am actually getting used to living alone again. I almost “enjoy” sometimes the solitude – and I’m not talking about in that depressed way.

      I am coming up and coming out. I won’t lay down. I will definitely check out your blog page! Thanks for the reply!


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